Thursday, March 29, 2012

Serodiscordancy

"As our first anniversary approaches, I call Melissa for myself. A week later, I take a seat in one of the health departments many windowless offices, where a sweet man talks to me about his partner of 20- (or it may have even been 30-) odd years as he slides a needle into my arm.


It's close to a 10-day wait, the free test. And it's 10 relatively worry-free days, too: I have faith in our adherence, in the precautions we've always taken. I have faith in prophylactics. The way his numbers have been dropping has confirmed to me what I suspected: that it is treatable, that it is quite live-with-able, after a month of vomiting and waking dreams. It wouldn't be that bad, a part of me says. Are you fucking crazy? another replies.

It's something you knew was a risk from the start. If you're smart about it, it's hardly a risk. Yes, but that doesn't mean you can permanently put it out of your head, can you? I don't worry it too hard, no. But now you can't help but worry. Worry is just an irrational byproduct of uncertainty. Keep telling yourself that.

Yes, I knew this was a possibility going in. Yes, I knew.

They don't call, the health department, at all; it's my responsibility to ring and check if the results for number 3948 are back. They are -- when can I come review them? Appointments. Always appointments with these people."


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Get Away

I can't shake this anxious, closed-in feeling I've got right now. The twix I just ate didn't seem to help, although maybe some peppermint tea? Part of me wants to rent a car this weekend and drive somewhere remote. Or just drive and drive. Not that I monopolized my parents' car that much in California, but there were plenty of opportunities to drive down Alpine Road into Portola, and there was always the tantalizing promise of the beach just on the other side of the hills. Why is it I can never remember what I did to feel better that last time I was this anxious? Somehow staying in my pjs all weekend seems to be the worst idea of all.

I'd really just like to be someplace like this:


But do you ever find, even when you "get away," that you can't really get away from anything? 



Monday, March 26, 2012

Maison et Objets

I found a couple of new blogs to love - one of them is an interior design blog from Patricia Gray, who took this photo at the Maison et Objets convention in Paris:



It looks like something I would make with  my Wellesley hoop - if I hadn't given it to my little sister!